In Search of
by Hanzao
Summary: It may be Kain's legacy, but things don't quite seem to go his way. What happens on Kain's off days? Wackiness ensues!
1. Coffee

Author's note: for some reason this scene popped into my head as I drank a cup of coffee that was not at all what it had seemed to be (cold old yuck). Hope you enjoythe storybetter than I did the coffee!

* * *

Raziel wearily shakes his head. Overcome by the gravity of his situation, he walks down the hallway as if dragging his troubles behind him. Sighing, he rounds the corner and enters a familiar room, one filled with musty, old couches with 1970's horrid yellow upholstery and green shag carpeting. He shivers with a certain sense of dread as he nears the dirty coffee pot on the counter by the sink. Looking into the grimy depths of the stained pot, Raziel lets out a great, long-suffering sigh.

"An overpowering stench of decay emanates from this vessel," Raziel monologues. "As I stare into this coffee pot, I am left with a hollow feeling inside, a desperate longing for the pure contents which once flowed from its pristine interior. Once again, I am struck with the ruined remnants left behind by Kain's arrogant refusal to sacrifice his own ego-centric desires for the betterment of Nosgoth."

"O bother, Raziel," Kain, sitting on one of the sofas, gives Raziel the bird. "You know you could just make another pot."

Raziel sets his hands on the counter and lets his head roll back with a great sigh of grief.

"I suppose this is yet another of Moebius' plots," Raziel begins again. "The Time-Streamer has sent me to this time, just minutes before Kain took the last cup of the invigorating, life-giving sustenance that is coffee. Am I cursed to always be on the heels of the arrogant patriarch of my unholy vampiric un-life?"

"You know, I'm right over here," Kain growls. "And you can cut the melodrama. How can you drink coffee, anyway? You have no jaw!"

"I huff the vapor, okay? There, are you happy now, Kain?" Raziel turns around to look at him. "I rather enjoy good coffee, when you haven't taken the last cup, that is!"

"Hey, I made that pot, so if you want some then you'll have to make your own," Kain guards his cup of coffee from the Reaver of Souls. Then a strange look crosses his already strange face. "Do you really huff the vapor?"

Raziel pulls down the cowl covering his face and begins to suck. Kain watches in horror as the vapor rising from his coffee cup is pulled away and into Raziel's body. Raziel then draws his cowl back up and Kain sticks a talon into his coffee.

"Hey, now it's all cold!" Kain stares first at his cup and then up at Raziel. "That was low Raziel, even for you."

Raziel's eye-lights blaze brightly.

"Low, even for me? Am I to believe that you are somehow the victim in our little relationship, Kain?" Raziel looks almost ready to pounce on the older vampire. "Just how have I wronged you?"

"You don't see me with any wings, do you?" Kain sniffs indignantly.

"So, I was right all along!" Raziel is beside himself with fury. "You had me thrown into the Abyss because of your own hypocritical jealousy! You have Wing-Envy!"

"Hey, I resemble that remark," Kain pouts, dropping one hand down to the floor to hide his R Kelly cd under the sofa.

"All you two ever do is fight," a deep, hollow voice emanates from the hall. An empty suit of armor enters the room and heads over to the coffee pot. "You know you two should just get a room together and get it over with. I was watching Dr. Phil earlier and he said… oh dammit! Where's the fresh coffee?"

"Malek?" Both Kain and Raziel turn to look at the specter standing at the counter.

"Yeah, they called me back in to work. It's just a cameo appearance, really, but I could really use the work."

"What's the matter, not a lot of demand for a talking suit of armor?" Kain snickers. "Maybe you should get into the tuna business. They could always use some more tin cans."

Malek turns around to face Kain. He has a long bladed weapon in one hand and a coffee pot in the other.

"You know, I'm getting tired of your attitude, Kain," the coffee pot shakes with Malek's fury. "All just because your name is in the title you think that your run this show or somethin'. Well, I'll have you know that if it wasn't for Vorador saving your scrawny butt I would have ended your 'legacy' long ago!"

"Oh really? Well," Kain waves his coffee at Malek, "if it wasn't for Vorador, you'd have a body and be able to enjoy this as much as I do."

Kain takes a swig of the coffee before he remembers that it is ice-cold. Revolted by the taste, he hurriedly turns his head and spits the liquid out behind the couch.

Raziel and Malek laugh uncontrollably.

"Okay, bad example," Kain shrugs sheepishly.

"Now, now, Kain, that wasn't very sanitary," out of nowhere Moebius materializes a few feet away from Malek. "This is my lounge, and I would prefer it if you would not treat it as haphazardly as you have treated your own empire."

"Please, the last person I need to get advice from is you, Moebius. I mean, really, how many times have I killed you now?" Kain laughs.

"I've lost track, I believe," Moebius gives Kain the smile of one who has long-suffered fools. "Now, gentlemen, where is the coffee?"

"The supply of fresh coffee has been depleted, thanks to the foul mechanisms of Kain!" Raziel raises a fist at him. "He has had a whole pot to himself and refused to share! He still has a cup in his hand!"

"Give it a rest, would you?" Kain yells at Raziel. "Like I've been saying, you can always make another pot. Hell, one would have already been ready by now if you hadn't been so short sided by the manipulations of the Time-Streamer! If you want to take my coffee Raziel, then take it - but do it honestly!"

"Enough of this," Moebius nocks this staff against the counter. "Raziel, Malek, we're going to Starbuck's."

"Hey, what about me?" Kain quickly stands up. "I love those Caramel Ralph Macchios!"

"You've already had your coffee, Kain," Moebius gives Kain a menacing grin. "'Till next time, Kain…"

The three of them suddenly blink out of existence and Kain is once again left alone. Secretly haunted by the words of Raziel, he sits back down on the sofa and reaches underneath for his cd.

_"I believe I can fly…"_


	2. Pizza

Echoes of ancient voices can be heard inside Avernus Cathedral, long since barren of human life after the great fire that had once ravaged it. Kain liked to come here from time to time, exercising the freedom of solitude to let his troubled mind wander over the myriad eons of existence which he has lived.

It was also a good place to have lunch.

Kain bursts through the door and struts toward the altar upon the north side of the room. He carries a bar stool with a great sense of regalia, knowing full well that no mere mortal can sit upon its cushioned seat and partake in the glorious feast that is to come.

"Ahh... cheesy breadsticks..." Kain begins to salivate at the mere thought of this afternoon's appetizer.

Reaching the pedestal and setting down his stool, Kain reaches for the two cardboard boxes lying upon the altar. He opens the smaller of the two and extracts from its confines a cheese-covered stick of bread covered in garlic. The old vampire knows that the garlic isn't good for him and will give him terrible heartburn in the evening, but it seems that masochism grows within Kain with every passing year.

He takes a bite out of the cheese breadstick, his eyes open wide, and then he violently spits the cold morsel out upon the floor.

"No!"

Kain quickly opens the other box to find his worst fear confirmed: his pizza is cold as well.

"How can this be?"

Suddenly from out of the shadows comes the sound of talons on stone. A blue figure with torn wings and no jaw sulks out of the darkness and into the torchlight.

"What's the matter, Kain? Is your food cold?"

"Raziel," Kain's eyes widen with shock as he shakes his head. "What have you done?"

"Why, don't you see, Kain? I am having my revenge."

Kain looks down at the cold pizza and cheese-covered breadsticks and his eyes close in terror.

"Raziel, it doesn't have to be this way. If only you would trust me, there would be no need for this... this..." Kain waves his hand in front of his ruined lunch, "... this vapor-sucking business of yours! You ruined my lunch!"

"It's your fault, Kain. It was you who created me as your vampiric son and then threw my life away on a whim. Look at me Kain!" Raziel's eyes are ablaze with fury. "Do you see what you have turned me into?"

"A melodramatic evil Smurf who huffs pizza fumes?" Kain cries in exasperation. "Really Raziel, you didn't have to do this. I would have shared with you."

"But as you are so fond of reminding me, Kain," Raziel pulls down the cowl over his face," I hath no jaw!"

Thoroughly put off his lunch, Kain raises a taloned hand to eye level to block out the gruesome sight.

"_That's right, Kain,"_ the voice of the Elder God bellows throughout the cathedral_. "Your once-faithful servant Raziel has no jaw. When you ordered him cast into the Abyss, you not only condemned him, you took away his dignity."_

"Yeah, what he thed." No longer bound by his cowl, Raziel's loose tongue flops around as he talks.

"What is this?" Kain slams his fist down upon the altar. "Can't I just enjoy a little time off without everyone coming to destroy my lunch?"

"_Why should we, when it is you who has single-handedly destroyed the whole of Nosgoth?" _Rebuts the voice of the Elder God.

"Yeah, Kain," Raziel nods, his tongue flapping against his collarbone. "You're not the thenter of the univerth!"

A tentacle suddenly breaks through the floor of the cathedral and grabs a hold of Kain's box of pizza.

"Oh, no you don't!" Kain draws the Soul Reaver and charges after the tentacle. "Just who do you think you are?"

"_I am the hub of the wheel," _the voice of the Elder God's voice echoes out in content._ "I am the cycle of life, death, and rebirth."_

"You're a bloody thief!" Kain slashes at the tentacle with his sword but misses. He then turns to face Raziel. "What is wrong with you people? All I wanted was some peace, quiet, and a bit of lunch!"

"That jutht thuckth for you, puthy boy!" Raziel taunts Kain, his meaty tongue flopping about aimlessly in his half-mouth.

"Just one moment, Raziel," Kain steps forward toward Raziel. "Something isn't right…"

"Geth back, you monthter!" Raziel raises his talons in attack.

Before Raziel can strike him, Kain uses his telekinetic powers to raise Raziel into the air and hold him in paralysis. Unable to ward off his former master's approach, Raziel watches in silent horror as Kain rips the lifeless tongue from his half-mouth.

However, Raziel's horror pales in comparison to the terror that Kain now feels, holding the limp, cold object in his hand. Of all the hellish things he has witnessed, of all the cruel machinations of the twisted world he finds himself irrevocably tied to, this is the only thing that break Kain's spirit. For it is not a lifeless tongue that he has just ripped from his former vampiric lieutenant's half-mouth, but something of nightmarish atrocity.

"An anchovy?"

Free of the TK hold, Raziel plops down to the floor. When he stands back up, he gives a little shrug.

"I accidentally sucked it up with the heat from the pizza," Raziel sheepishly explains.

"That's just sick," Kain says, discarding the fish onto the floor.

"Hey, you're the one who ordered the pizza," Raziel's eyes blaze. "Just what do you expect with all of that garbage you put on it?"

"Hey, I have good taste, runt," Kain points his Soul Reaver at Raziel. "I always get the same thing: pepperoni, pineapple, anchovies, and calamari."

"_CALAMARI?"_

All of a sudden, a great earthquake erupts and chunks of the floor are blown away by a geyser of water from deep below them. Before the two can react, a wet pizza box with a half-eaten pizza escapes from the flow of water and lands in between Kain and Raziel.

"There goes lunch," Kain sighs.


End file.
